1. CHANGE YOUR SIDE PIECE’S NAME IN YOUR PHONE.
It should be a variation of one of your friends or someone your SO won’t think too much of. This person should text you fairly regularly anyway. Generally, I find this more helpful when the friend is not a member of the sex you’re attracted to.
2. MAKE SURE YOUR OTHER DEVICES ARE ALL LOGGED OUT.
Don’t leave iMessage signed into your computer and have your SO watch each text that flies in while you’re curling up for some Netflix. Without multiple sign-ins, getting rid of the evidence is simple and fun. Well, mostly just simple. But it keeps things clean and mitigates any other potential disasters.
3. CHOOSE ONE MEDIUM TO SPEAK ON.
It’s easier to clean up your tracks when you only have one channel to watch. If it’s texting, make sure you’re not getting nude snaps and a million “i miss u” Facebook chats. Keep it to a singular medium and stop worrying about evidence of your indiscretions floating in the ether.
4. DON’T GET SENTIMENTAL, DELETE ALL MESSAGES.
And when you’re on that one medium, don’t get all gooey about it. Make sure you’re deleting all unnecessary information, even if it makes you feel *warm* on the inside. All it takes is one snoop from your SO to uncover all those filthy messages you saved from when your sext game was on point.
5. THERE SHOULD NEVER, EVER BE PHOTO EVIDENCE.
What the hell are you even doing? If you’re taking photos, don’t. If someone else is, hide your face. We live in the age of social media, don’t be a viral internet story. If you’re desperate to save some sexy pics, find a creepy photo vault app. Some of them look like calculators and other apps so they don’t arouse suspicion. Use a separate code from your phone so no one knows how to access it but you.
6. KEEP IT ON A NEED-TO-KNOW BASIS WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
The smaller the group of people who know about your dalliances, the smaller the chance it has of getting out. Don’t run your mouth to anyone who’ll listen. Don’t brag to all your friends. You need to keep the information to a small group of people you trust. Sometimes that’s no one.
7. DON’T GET A SIDEPIECE WHO WANTS SOMETHING MORE.
If you’re not looking for a one-nighter and have a more regular sidepiece, make sure he/she is on it. You don’t want someone who’s crazy enough to go to your SO when things don’t go right. Keep it 100 if you can. It makes life a lot easier when you’re not lying to two separate parties.
8. PICK A SIMPLE STORY AND DON’T GET CUTE.
Don’t make things more complicated than you have to. Don’t embellish when you think you’re about to get caught. Decide on the simplest explanation possible beforehand and stick with it. Know the details. It’s easiest when it’s closest to the real story possible so you can introduce real elements and lie less.
Offer enough information so it doesn’t seem vague, but don’t over-volunteer parts of stories you wouldn’t otherwise. Act normal.
9. HAVE YOUR EXCUSE PRE-PLANNED.
Getting caught off-guard while cheating is a recipe for disaster. Always have a plan B tucked into your pocket. Not the physical pill, just an excuse. Overhear a girl’s voice? Annoying co-worker. Looking slightly disheveled? Long day at work. Someone else sees you on a date? A friend from college you ran into at a bar.
Never get caught with your pants down, mouth open or in a lie because backpedaling is the worst form of exercise.
10. GO IN IT WITH AN EXPIRATION DATE.
This isn’t the person you’re trying to spend the rest of your life with; you’re not even dating them. In fact, you’re dating someone else entirely. We’re all humans, and prolonged exposure to each other in a semi-romantic sense will probably result in those pesky “feelings.” Don’t get there with someone you were just looking to blow off steam with. Even if it’s easy. Spurned lovers can do crazy things.
11. IF YOU’RE GOING TO FEEL TERRIBLE AND ADMIT TO IT ALL, DON’T DO IT TO BEGIN WITH.
This is self-explanatory. If you’re only going to spill all the beans and hurt everyone involved, it’s not worth
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